


i'm thinking about the possibility of you and i

by majesdane



Category: Skins (UK)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-03-18
Updated: 2009-03-18
Packaged: 2017-12-06 09:32:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/734179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/majesdane/pseuds/majesdane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>Well, maybe it </i>is<i> just a stupid schoolgirl crush.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	i'm thinking about the possibility of you and i

for three months,  
a person sits and looks at you,  
imagining a kiss.

\- etgar keret

 

In the margin of her notebook, beside the half-hearted notes she's been taking down in her political science class, she draws a tiny heart, puts an even smaller _n_ right in the center of it. She erases it after a moment, half out of fear of Katie somehow finding it and half because it makes her feel silly, like it's just some stupid little schoolgirl crush.

Well, maybe it _is_ just a stupid schoolgirl crush.

Or maybe it isn't. There have been far too many nights where she's lain awake in bed, thinking about that time when she was drunk, the only time she'd ever allowed herself to feel the way she really felt and to do the things she'd always wanted to do. And Naomi had kissed her back or so she imagined anyway. She puts her fingers up against her mouth, closes her eyes and smiles at the memory. So what if Naomi was drunk at the time as well; she likes to pretend it meant something.

The worst part is, however, the realization that comes after this, that she _does_ want it to mean something, and she shouldn't. She's supposed to be the normal one in the family, not the kind of girl who fancies other girls and who daydreams about getting another chance to kiss one of her mates. Naomi.

She's completely head-over-heels for her, but she barely will admit it to herself, let alone anyone else. Katie would be furious if she knew. Emily doesn't even want to think about something like that. It's best just to keep it a secret, keep it all bottled up.

Only, every time she's around Naomi, it feels like the walls she's worked so hard to build up are just cracking and tumbling down around her. She flushes, stammers, forgets her words. And it's ridiculous, really, because there's so much going against her, but she just can't. Help it.

And she hates herself for it, hates that she can't fix this. Why can't she just be normal? It would make everything so much easier, for everyone. It would make things so much more easier for herself, too.

 

;;

 

She spends the next week and a half staring at the back of Naomi's head in class, pretending to take notes and only half-listening to teachers drone on. She thinks that perhaps she'd better cut it out, that she's being far too obvious, and Katie would be angry with her, if she knew. Besides that, even on the odd chance that Naomi did happen to glance back at her, Emily thinks it would only be to lock her in an accusatory glare. It doesn't stop her from doing it, however.

She really can't blame her too much for that, Naomi hating her, but it still makes her feel sick to her stomach. She's made a mess of everything, but she doesn't know how to fix it, doesn't even know where to begin.

 

;;

 

Naomi says, "See you around, Emily," and she just stands there like an idiot and watches her go. She should have chased after, should have said something, _anything_ , even if it was just another stupid apology. Anything would have been better than what she _did_ do, which was stand there until Naomi had completely disappeared from view and then texted Katie to say that she was going home.

In home, she throws herself on her bed, buries her face in her pillow. She must have fallen asleep, because later she wakes to the sound of Katie stumbling into their bedroom, still half-coked and drunk. She gives Emily a wicked grin and asks what happened to make her leave. Emily knows Katie really isn't interested, and she can't even tell the truth ever anyway, so she lies and says that she was just feeling sick.

It's not really a complete lie, and so she feels better about it, helping Katie into bed and shutting the bedroom door.

 

;;

 

Katie doesn't notice.

Of course, Katie usually isn't thinking about anyone but herself. She doesn't realize that Emily's never had a boyfriend, that she's never even fancied a boy, that the only person she ever snogged was Naomi. In a way, Emily thinks, it's almost a good thing that Katie isn't really all that concerned with Emily's life (at least, not usually), because it makes hiding _this_ (whatever it is, she hasn't quite given name to it yet, doesn't know what the word is for watching Naomi from afar and dreaming of one stupid drunken kiss) just a little bit easier.

 

;;

 

She admits to kissing Naomi, but at the same time, doesn't really. She takes care to mention that she was drunk at the time and then tacks on a bit about someone giving her MDMA that night, as if to make her story more plausible. Her excuse seems weak, even to her, but it seems to satisfy Katie because she stops making jokes about Naomi being a lesbian and making Emily feel uncomfortable, and that's really all that matters to her.

And then, feeling all mixed up inside, half-scared and half-relieved that this whole thing is over and done with, she tells Naomi, "I just wanted to kiss you." Hesitates. "I want to kiss you _now_."

It's a mistake, of course. She shouldn't have ever said such a thing. She's not even sure _why_ she said it, since a moment later she regrets it, especially when Naomi says pointedly, "You're _gay_?" and Emily has to backtrack quickly, shaking her head and denying it all. And then Naomi, looking rather irritated, leaves, and Emily is furious with herself for fucking things up again. Worse now, Effy knows what's really going on, and Emily is sure that it's just a matter of time before everything else starts to fall apart.

And it's pretty awful, when Thomas leaves, but Emily can't help but feel more sorry for herself, for the other night. And now Naomi knows that she liked her, and well, Emily isn't quite sure what to think about _that_. Maybe now things will be different between them. Better. Maybe they can almost go back to the way things used to be, in middle school. She tells herself not to think about such things, but lying in bed that night, listening to Katie's music being blasted from her headphones, she can't help but hope.

(She's not exactly sure what it is she's hoping for; acceptance, requited feelings, a repaired friendship. She knows what she would prefer, but she also knows that she'll be happy with any of the outcomes, really.)

 

;;

 

Passing each other in the hallway and not completely ignoring each other; their eyes meet through the crowd. It puts Emily in a good mood for the rest of the day.

 

;;

 

Grinning ridiculously, Naomi asks her what she'd like to drink: Pinot Grigio or something else -- Emily doesn't catch what she says next, because Naomi's already tipsy enough to be slurring her words and anyway, Emily's a bit too preoccupied with the fact that Naomi's a foot in front of her. Her face suddenly seems much too close to Emily's, and she can't help at look at her lips, a pretty shade of pink. They look much too soft.

She starts, "Just give me a fucking . . ." Stumbles, tries again. "Just give me a . . ."

A pause, and then she leans forward, tentatively pressing her lips against Naomi's. There's that pretty Lily Allen song playing in the background, but she's not really paying attention to how ironic it is, is mostly just concerned with how good it feels to be kissing Naomi again. And then she pulls away and Naomi just looks at her, dazed, murmurs _oh_. Then they're kissing again, more purposeful this time, and Emily can't even recall how many times she's wanted to do this, ever since they first time they'd kissed. Naomi's tongue brushes against her bottom lip, the slightest of touches, and Emily feels like she may burst.

It's over much too quickly, but there's nothing to be done about that. It's really just enough to be able to kiss her again, the novelty of thinking that there's even the slightest chance of her feelings being reciprocated.

Naomi knows now though, about her, about being gay. It doesn't bother Emily as much as she thinks it should. Instead, she mostly just feels pleased.

She's not completely aware as to why.


End file.
